It’s finally the end.

Last day of summer vacation for me and Holdie.  I’m excited and nervous and perhaps just a tad bit emotional.  During the first few days/weeks with him, I remember thinking “Oh, I’d rather be at work.  At least I know what I’m doing and feel somewhat confident at work.”  Then, things changed.  He grew more into a little person, my little person, and I realized what a gift it is to be his mama.  It took me about a month to adjust to this new role enough to enjoy my baby.  I know people say “I loved him and being a mom as soon as I saw my baby.”  This wasn’t me.  I felt confused, annoyed, sad.  Not the happiest feelings one would expect of a new mom.  I had a textbook pregnancy and a issue-free delivery.  When I saw his face, I didn’t feel what I thought I would/should.  I got a little scared when I STILL didn’t feel what I thought I would/should several days later.  I told myself that I would give it about a month, and then I would need to meet with my midwife.  I think I scared the Mr. quite a bit too as I honestly told him how I felt.  I felt like I was in a hole that was filled with water and I couldn’t swim.  My house was my prison, and sweet H was the warden.  Looking back, it’s hard to believe that I felt this way about the little boy I couldn’t imagine being without today.  Hormones are to blame I’m quite sure, and things sort of magically got better little by little at the one month mark.  Thank goodness!  We’ve had good days and not-so-good days this summer, but we’ve spent so much time together getting to know each other, mama and baby.  Beach trips, ice cream tastes, walks at the park, trips all over the place, pool time, and just lazy mornings hanging out for tummy time.  I knew all along that this time had an expiration date on it, and I’m kind of okay with that.  Although I’ll miss the little man on Monday, I have to admit I’m kind of excited about bathroom breaks, leisurely lunches (meaning more than 5 minutes), and some more adult interaction.  I’m sure I’ll be singing the blues by mid-September, but I think this will be good for both of us.  Holdie will get to “wow” some new people/kids with his megawatt smile and show off his army crawl skills.  I’ll get a little more mental stimulation and a bit of a baby break that will hopefully make me a better mom.  What a good reward at the end of a day of work to see this face….


Love you, Mom!

8 thoughts on “It’s finally the end.

  1. I was really worried that I would miss teaching this year… I knew I wanted to stay at home with Meredith for a little while – I worked the first 2.5 years – and when Billy got his new job I was able to do it. I’m super excited and have way less stress, but there are times I wonder… lol 🙂 Good luck this year!!! {what grade do you teach?}

    • I was so blessed to have my 12 weeks of maternity leave, go back to work for the LAST week of school (which was a piece of cake as you know), and then have off all summer! I’m a little afraid of how everything is going to work out this school year, but I’m really trying to hard to think of it as “just 1 day at a time.” I teach K-1 Learning Disabilities. I’m sure I’ll need that luck to get there on time tear-free!

  2. Your feelings, Natalie, are shared by so many. I was fortunate to be able to stay home with my children for nine years, but honestly, after the first three or four, I was becoming what I felt to be a “dumb mom.” The only things that I could talk about were how many diapers I had changed, and what new books I had read to my children. Going back to work was a blessing for me and my boys. You learn to value the minutes that you have together and operate on “quality time.” Cleaning, and routine household tasks have to be put on hold, and cannot be the number one priority. But, you will appreciate your son more than ever. Enjoy!!

    • Thanks for sharing, Susan. I’ve already broke the news to my husband that things might get a bit dusty around here since we’re going to focus on “fun stuff” when I get to spend time at home with Holden after work and weekends. 🙂

  3. Natalie, wow! What an honest story of the ups and downs of motherhood. Your experience is probably more common than you think and yes, I am sure mostly due to hormones. While I am not a mother, and can’t say I “understand” what you went through, it is all good now and Holdie has a great Mom and is surrounded by loving friends and family.

    I wish you much happiness and joy with Holdie and look forward to reading your blogs.

    • Thanks April! I think many times movies and even other moms make everything seem so idyllic. It’s so not! It’s tough but wonderful at the same time. Just want to spread the word, so other moms don’t feel like they’re crazy! Thanks for reading.

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