Laying Down My Plans

I’m a planner.  I confess.  I can make planning into a hobby.  It is obsessive.  I will say that it does make me more efficient, but I think it lets me feel like I control life.  Let’s face facts.  I do not control things.  A recent example is today’s plans.  I planned for Holdie and I to go to the trampoline park, return/pick up some new library books, and then head home for a nice, quiet afternoon.  Well, our AC decided to kick the bucket {temporarily} yesterday.  This was also the same day that I decided to cook a casserole.  Our kitchen reached 5,000 degrees!  (I started these dinner plans before I realized that there was no cool air coming out of those vents.)  The maximum temperature on the house thermostat was 85 degrees.  I’m pretty sure it was in the 90’s in the kitchen.  Whoa!

We spent the night trying not to move too much and stay under one of the ceiling fans and our one box fan.  There was a loud and bright storm around 3AM that woke up Holden and the doggie Roscoe.  The heat was just so oppressive in the middle of the night!  It got me thinking about those poor colonial settlers.  Can you imagine parading around and working like a dog just to survive in that humidity and heat in the little shack you built?!?!?  Goodness!  I’m thankful that we don’t have to do all that.

After a hot morning at home waiting for the AC man, we were thrilled to meet Mr. Butch {Holden introduced himself and showed him his sword} around 10:30.  Here we are laying under the fan before he got here..
IMG_2089

 

These changes in our day’s plan got me thinking about how much I struggle with surrendering my plans.  I so, so, so struggle for control.  I get so hot and bothered when my plans get hijacked!  The biggest example of this is what happened last October.  In September, we found out that I was pregnant, and we were very happy.  You know me, I had planned that THIS would be the best time to have another child.  I actually got really impatient when I didn’t get pregnant last summer.  To get pregnant, I was using every possible scientific/calculated means.  I had my first doctor’s appointment scheduled for late October.  There was no joyful first appointment.  I was about 8 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage.  I have never known such emotional distress and frustration with my body.  However, I was blessed not to have any physical complications.  The calculated due date was this month, June 15.

I’ve thought for a long time about sharing this very personal information on here.  I think it is something that no one talks about, and it can be hard for others who have not had this experience to understand.  If you know me, you should know this – it has changed me irrevocably for the rest of my life.  I would say that I think about this lost child/lost pregnancy daily.  Any small thing can take me back to those terrible days in October, and I mourn the loss.  I confess that I have been trying to control things again.  I have been so wanting another child, another chance.  Each month, it has been a bitter disappointment.  I’m pretty sure the Mr. never wants to hear the word “ovulation” or “basal body temperature” again.  We have talked and talked and talked.  He has remained so supportive throughout the past 9 months.  I can’t say enough how thankful I am for him and how thankful I am for his love.

This crazy obsessive planning/calculating, I know, is not the way.  People say, “Oh, relax!  You’re stressing too much.  It’ll happen.  You’ll have other kid(s)”  I know those words said by friends and loved ones mean well.  The fact of the matter is it is not up to my will, your will, relaxation, stress, anything!  I know in my mind that God’s plan/His will for me is a perfect plan that I can not imagine.  It is so hard to just let go though.  I’ve heard some terrible saying that the only cure for the sadness of a miscarriage is another child.  What pressure is that!  Although I’m by no means perfectly happy  and content everyday, I do know that when I take all my frustrations, sadness, and longings and talk it over with God I feel better and lifted up.  Well, here goes my {more authentic} letting go of my plans!  We’ll see where He intends to take me and my family.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path. -Proverbs 3:5-6

Natalie

5 thoughts on “Laying Down My Plans

  1. “I think it is something that no one talks about, and it can be hard for others who have not had this experience to understand.”

    Blessings to you for your bravery, Natalie. I know…it’s not easy.

    Under the same sky,
    Dani

  2. I understand your frustrations. My husband and I have been trying to start our family for 22 months now. God’s will, plan, and timing are perfect. We must continue to trust Him and have hope for the future.

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